Global Uncertainty Anxiety Internalized

Part I – 2000-2007 Domestic Political

I am fast approaching 40 hours of being awake, hoping desperately that the Oregon Primary results showing the clear message of how the majority of the Democratic Party loyalists, Independents and cross-over Republicans, in a state highly reflective of the nation as a whole, would have brought a gracious concession speech by Hillary Rodham Clinton earlier today, or at the very minimum a toning down of the rhetoric as the HRC campaign starts to fall-in behind the rest of the Party. Yet, we did not see this happen but rather all of us watched stupefied as Mrs. Clinton turned up the heat once again with renewed vigor, with renewed & reformulated no win strategies to obtain the nomination. This never ending slogg through the mud and in the trenches churns on.

With every day this continues, the burden of the World’s future uncertainty weighs down more heavily than the day before upon my shoulders. It piles on further, this load of knowledge I carry around with me, stacks yet one more layer higher. The tipping point, between carrying on another day and resignation that things will not get better, teeters on a fine line between my losing it completely and my hope that a viable, just conclusion will be reached. The destination floats on the horizon, yet the wind seems to be constantly blowing in the opposite direction.

A journey to Hell and back started seven years ago and 6 months from now. A journey that never was to be undertaken, one planned at the latest of moments, one that was forced upon an unwilling nation, an unwilling soul, an unbelieving person, a foreshadow of bad things to come.

At mid journey, well after storms with no warning were weathered that diverted our course into storms that were made, a small passage was spied of a speedy route home. The tempest was raging, the course was aligned, but all was for naught as the channel was denied. A resignation of reality settled in for that which could not be happening, but reality is harsh at times and this was like no other and leaving was denied. The journey forced upon me continued with moments of clearing and visions of future happiness glittered off distant waves, only to fade and be stolen by continued storms on the horizons, one after the next. The only difference between two was intensity, duration and from the direction they came. The end result is always the same, more of my ship is damaged, torn and shattered and a port must be reached to make needed repairs to advert disaster.

A haven was reached a year plus half ago, when fair weather looked promising, when repairs could be made, but as always it was short lived and little could be accomplished. Since then the weather has moderated from a constant barrage to a ongoing headache. Flickers of sun have peaked through the clouds this past year, but the continual battering on my being, leaves it far from well and locked below deck. It is as though, weathering so much Hell has killed all hope and soaks the spark of my desire. I have become a shell of my past self hoping for hope, yet the burdens of all I know weighs on me further.

The outlook that the journey was soon to end and most of it had past, opened the chance of a spark in that which interests me, yet again that hope is squashed.

Hell, I can’t keep this parable going, and why should I continue to beat around the bush. A message of my subconscious coming out there? I guess there is no denying it, Bush has brought my life Hell. Don’t get me wrong, I have suffered no worse economically under his complete disregard for any fiscal policy, than I have under my self-imposed breaks from my work. If I counted up the months I’ve worked over the past years and compared them to the ones I’ve “taken” off, I really need not do so as it is probably half-half. Money comes easily to me, sanity does not. I can’t be at peace with my myself, when world around me is a mess and there is nothing that I can do except hope for a change.

Hope, that is something I have lost many years ago, mostly likely following the 2004 elections. I don’t know what it was like in houses of the Bible Thumpers. I don’t envision parties, excitement and jubilation about what they had won, but rather quiet reservation and “hey, we just won.” But I know what it was amongst my friends. Silence. A complete disbelief that yet again some “bellweather” Rustbelt, shit of a state couldn’t get their asses together and boot this son-of-bitch from office.

Am I too hard on Ohio, hell fucking no! What part of you are losing jobs faster than a kid eating French fries at McDonald’s can you not understand? “Support the troops,” my ass! This was a war of choice to make companies rich, not to protect anyone but the pockets of Cheney et. al. “Support the Troops” was nothing more than another catch phrase and buzz word to allow more of the same to continue, a distraction form the true agenda of the Bush administration and Neo-Con slime. “Support the Troops” would have been a vote to get them the hell out of Iraq, not leave them to die! Idiots, true fucking idiots, these thoughtless lemmings of a clueless mind! I’ll bring you “good manufacturing jobs to Ohio” while at the same time, his economic advisors are changing the definition of “manufacturing sector” jobs to include food assembly at your local Burger King & Wendy’s, paying dirt minus taxes.

I have no patience with the voters in middle America anymore. They would rather choose ideology over bread & butter on their tables, Church over their houses and guns over their cars! They watch life as they know it slowly ever so slowly disintegrate around them, by this factory closing one month, followed by another larger business closing the next and all that they invested of their lives into making that life that they new, simply kicked them out, told them to have a nice life, and locked the doors. Yet, still they chose Guns & God or Life and Food.

Everything Barack Obama has said so far has been accurate, that is if these people, too stupid to open their eyes and look around them, assess their situation objectively instead of through rose colored lenses of “God’s glow” they might actually see what the hell they are doing to themselves. Why does the rest of the country have to excuse them for their ignorance of what goes on in their world, in their nation, in their government and in their town? Why do I have to dumb myself down to their level because I too work, yet because I have a college education and cannot turn of my brain to what is happening around me, I am now a Demon because I choose to be aware of my surroundings and engage with my world instead of being oblivious too it?

Screw this excuse, that I hear from Chris Matthews and others, these hard working American’s of the Rust Belt, Breadbasket and Appalachia, are more tired than I and therefore are given a pass for not paying attention to what is going on! Maybe if for once they paid attention, instead of stating “I can’t vote for a black man,” or “Well, his middle name is Hussein and that is petty close to Saddam for me,” their son or daughter might not be coming home in a casket from Iraq. Why do people with education have to be made to feel bad for being able to think, for being engaged? While at the same time, all these people that are being most hurt by things they are too lazy to know and remain engaged to what is causing them harm, are given a free pass to be stupid?!

Democracy is not a right, it is something that is earned. Don’t get me wrong, I have not served and I honor those that do, whether this country is right or wrong. But, in the very same breath, I am expected to defend both the soldier and those too lazy to remain engaged from enemies within. The domestic threat, the corrupt politician, the lobbyist who offers bribes for political favors. No one ever turns the the page and mentions our President is an “enemy” of the State, of the Nation and most certainly, an Enemy of Democracy! Lying us into a war, a war of aggression where the enemy, once our friend, was well contained within the bounds of the No-Fly Zone, that provided economically cheap “live” military targets for our Air Force, and presently absolutely no threat to our security, domestic or abroad.

I can see it now, the yellow “support our troops” magnets are coming out now. He just called the President George W. Bush the enemy! Yes, I did and it is liberating to do so! Having to live under the vigil eye of the thought police, which ironically can not even look out for their own best interests and require people like me to make sure their rights to watch me are not taken away because they are too focused on a diversion, not the main event. While they watch devious, Liberal elite, rabble-roussers like myself speak out about the corruption they have been programed to ignore. Their best “friends” the Bush Administration is taking away yet another one of their rights, and they don’t ever realize it. The call me a traitor or unpatriotic, a menace to democracy, while pointing a finger in my direction, and just behind their back, another right is taken away.

But they don’t need to worry, their token Savior, won’t touch their most important rights. There right to bear arms, or an entire arsenal for that matter; their right to tell women what they can do with their bodies; their right to control what their children learn in school about “not-science;” and their right to remain ignorant. He wouldn’t dare tamper with these, because for year after year he has promised them they could have all these “rights” plus made them a deal they could not refuse. In exchange for their unwavering support and eternal vote he agreed to force this rights on the people of the entire nation, whether they wanted them or not. Then as they were focused on making all abide by God’s will in their blind ignorance, he stole away from them all other rights they didn’t even know they had.

to be continued….